There are two of me inside this head of mine. At least that’s the current count. I didn’t realize this as kid. I didn’t realize that there was the side of me that recognizes the truth and there’s a side of me that lies its ass off. That Liar fed me so many negative messages that I didn’t know what the Truth was.
Worthless, ugly, uncool, unaccepted, fat…
Especially fat. And I wasn’t! I don’t know when I decided I was fat, but I’ve believed that for most of my life. Sometimes it was the truth. And I think that preset thought in my head just made it even easier to make fat a truth. I was unhappy and felt out of control of so many aspects of my life. But in food, I found a momentary comfort. I found a way to escape the unhappiness even if just for a few minutes. The problem is that when those minutes were over, the root of the problem was still there. That’s the kicker really. When the unhappiness resides in you, you can’t mask it forever.
There are real, sometimes scary feelings that must be dealt with. Resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment. When staring down a wall that you built out of these feelings, it can seem impossible to overcome. It took me many years to even start chipping away at that wall. And sometimes I still find myself trying to fortify it instead of tearing it down.
What changed for me? What gave me the strength to even start trying to change my thinking? I’m not sure. Time, age, persistence. There were many small things that slowly led me to the place where I am now able to recognize which voice in my head is which.
It took learning in my heart (not just know it in my head) that I didn’t have to do anything or be/act a certain way for God to love me. He already did and nothing I did could change that. Understanding that gave me the freedom to look at myself and learn who I really am. Not the person I tried to put forth as Miss Goody Two Shoes who does no wrong. It gave me freedom to make mistakes and learn from those mistakes. It gave me courage to try new things and if those things didn’t work out for me, then that’s ok too.
And as I work through this process of getting to know myself, I started to learn that I’m pretty awesome just the way I am. I am worthy of love and acceptance. And it is up to me to show myself that same love and acceptance. For me, that means eating right and exercising.